Sunday, 25 September 2011

Yesterday


Yesterday I woke up to the alarm on my phone set for 7:45, from a dream where I was with a beautiful woman, what we were doing I cannot recall, the last thing I remember is gazing at her ravishing face, blonde hair draping over her bronze skin reflecting sunlight. I hit the snooze. Then proceeded to hit the snooze on the next three alarms, blacking out from being woken up and falling asleep rapidly. Until finally waking up at 9:00, cursing under my breath as I stared at scratched screen of my outdated phone, realizing there would be no time to make breakfast before my first class. Normally I would be able to with this much time even after showering, brushing, getting dressed, gathering stuff for class, hell even after I could make myself a plate of eggs and little sizzlers sausages. But yesterday I needed to print off some assignments on campus for class that were due, so I needed to get to campus a little bit earlier. My house more than nine blocks away and at a walking pace the hike is decently time consuming.  figurative
            As I left the house, I inserted a pair of headphones that penetrate the inner canals of ears, making for a more booming sound quality while listening to dub step, they are fucking great. The tedious trek to campus becoming projections of rugby, partying, scenes from stories and adventures that lurk in the back of my mind that likes to flood to the front whenever appropriate music is playing.  But I was already feeling hungry on the walk to campus, the lower pits of my gut commencing that tightening feeling when there is nothing to absorb.
            Arriving on campus, I walked to the building, which my class was located in, actually the building that ALL of my classes are in. And to my good fortune there is a computer lab and printer as well, my daily round on campus conveniently contained to one building. Ascending the staircase that leads to the computer lab, I wrapped my blue Ipod nano into the white chords of my headphones, the buds at the end snapping together with a magnetic clack, faintly echoing up and down the hollow staircase, bouncing around the walls, running through the hallways on each floor. The sound being eerily louder than the many times I’ve done the same exact thing before.
            Approaching the doorway to the computer lab there were a few students dotted along the hallway, tediously waiting for class to begin. Walking through the doorway turned right and walked to the computers located closer to the printer, walking a far ways to retrieve paper from a printer is uncomfortably awkward to me, I don’t know why it just is. I guess it’s the fact that in your peripherals, depending how good they are, you can catch people glancing at you as you pass, sometimes being ignorant enough to turn their head as you pass. It’s not even the fact of people staring; more of what are they thinking?  I have no idea. And I’ll never know.  Could be good thing, could be a bad thing. But you know it is something or else they wouldn’t stare, even for a second they do it for a reason!
            Getting back on track. Setting my backpack on the counter I fell into the roller chair resting in front of the computer located closest to the printer, my hands gingerly slapping my thighs near my pockets. As they did so my heart dived off the edge of a rib located midway in my chest, plummeting to my stomach like a rock that has been tossed into a lake, sinking to the bottom until resting into a cloud of mucky dust. My pockets were empty besides my Ipod. My wallet not located in either of the two pockets I usually put it in every morning.  No wallet means no student ID. And no ID means no assignments being printed, and no assignments printed means Andrew is decently fucked. With a bit of hurry I started to rummage through the contents of my backpack, tossing each object aside, reaching and grasping, poking and prodding, hoping to feel the smooth outside of leather wallet.
            Hope fleeting, my fingers started to graze the bottom of my bag until my pinky felt it. Felt flat, even sweet black rawhide. Heart launching itself to my chest, relief releasing panic’s firm grasp on my lungs. I was so uplifted that breathing felt five times easier, oxygen filling my lungs as I took deep breaths of sweet respite. Flipping open my wallet I started flipping through the plastics located in the various pockets holding them.  Visa, triple A, drivers license, useless business card that’s been there for an unnecessary amount of months, reading them off in my head as I fingered through them.
            Instead of plunging to the depths of my body, my heart seemed to depart from my body by slithering out in a deep exhale of despair. Now I had truly lost. My wallet found, yet useless for the very situation I needed to find it. The ID was gone. All hope was lost. 

Hungry Feelings


Hunger.  Grip constricting my stomach, wrenching and writhing my insides to coils of pain, fuck that’s literally all I can think about.  Food. Nutrients. Solids. Anything edible, Christ I’ll eat a bug if I see one. Something for my stomach to absorb other than itself, the acids used to digest food bubbling and gurgling hot.  Thin arms despairingly dangling to and fro as I look down to see tattered rags loosely fluttering in the cloudy autumn wind, loose cloth swinging with the motion of a pair of pool cue legs, lead by a duo of filthy, worn, once white sneakers.
            The sidewalk being a treadmill, leading me nowhere as cracked cement squares passed under my soles, one after another. My trip to nowhere muted under the clatter of rattling mufflers and whizzing traffic, deliberate scraping of cement and sneaker if I listen closely. Yet past, or I should say inside, from the outside world, hunger’s yell booms out all other thought. Hell it’s actually the only thing keeping me going at this point. If I could, I would just lay down right here and die, but from upbringing I was taught never to take the easy way out. Besides, death by hunger would take too long, I would prefer to go quick at this point. Roaming around at night sometimes I hope a driver has had a cocktail too many and accidently swerves my way. Quick. Given they’re going fast enough, but then again if I lived I would get money from the driver somehow. Either way I wouldn’t be starving anymore so that’s a plus. I would Run away from the scene if able, away from the ambulances and cops and sirens and lights and all that other shit we never see as a welcome sight. Isn’t that some shit? To a point where most people hate the one’s who are supposed to be keeping the peace?
            Burly fingers suddenly clenched my guts together as my stomach writhed in pain from hunger, the matchstick poles almost collapsing under the weight of my scrawny physique, staggering on the bastard of cement treadmill I can barely keep up with anymore.  A single calorie would be life changing at this point, nausea lingered with no solids in my stomach, and the outside of my peripherals seem dark and faint, my grasp on the world was fading, I honestly don’t know how much longer I can last, borrowed time at this point.
            I turn right at the next stoplight, a small group of young adults walking my way on the sidewalk. Jumping between every couple of eyes in the group, correspondingly the pupils veer their regard to something behind me or to the side of me. Gawking idiots. Smiles, laughing, good times had by all. Fuck them. Them and their good times. Everything about them. Any of these people’s biggest worry throughout the day being what to do with their golf swing, or their 22 0z beer has too much head, because god forbid if there is too much head on a beer.. Never having to scrounge through dumpsters, or begging from couples for their leftovers as they walk out the doors of the corner grill, prizing whatever contents are inside their Styrofoam casing above anything else. Scavenging for everything and anything, reaping whatever resources can be found be it a leaking water drain or old meat thrown out by the butcher.
The cluster of young hot partygoers pass closely, I walk through the midst of them and feel their expression impulsively snap to disgust as my scent wafts through their sinuses. Disgust and hatred being their only feelings toward this pinnacle of scum that might accidently brush designer clothing. My fate and lifestyle determined by them before a single word can even be exchanged.  My past or how I got here my own damn fault in their mind, world, and universe. Not screwed over or just unfortunate with life and the events that it entails.
            A walking parasite of humanity is all I’ve become. Having trouble maintaining survival after I have nothing left. Not even a penny. All I want to do is live to see the next day, cause maybe things will get better, a warm light with a welcoming caress that’ll pull me from the uncaring loneliness that surrounds me day and night. Because I don’t have the money to pay for a home, or the inheritance to engrave my lighter. And no I haven’t tried the new triple burger some big name fast food company is pumping out, or the new single dominating the charts.
I can’t enjoy any of these things, the time do them is gone.  All I am now is a walking parasite of society shunned from everyone in this town time and time again.  But not for long, I’ll be one less burden soon the way things are looking, especially with winter coming back around again. A heavy memento as the crisp aroma of Fall blew brown, orange and yellow leaves all around me as I passed the entrance to a local park, the trash cans occasionally including scraps that would do quite well right now.  

Monday, 5 September 2011

Friend

When the day turns to that darker shade of grey,
Your words I can trust, a feeling mutual to us.
To make my sun shine through those wall clouds,
Resting mind, heart and soul, we both know.

When together, true character can be widely seen.
Nevertheless how many eyes gander, fun is all they see.
Wreak havoc; challenge the world, our sides connected.
Get in trouble; never tell anyone, memories locked away.

Fighting, arguing, and dispute all kindle the flames.
Our bond built on more than joy, happiness, and laughter.
A card that refuses to go missing of each other’s deck,
not after the hell and magic its been dealt through.

Daily Masquerade


Colors, all having a distinct taste for the sense
When children we were life, vibrant and strong.
The sensation of waking up just to conquer the day.

School, friends, parents, all a daily occurrence
Now to speak to any of them is a gift, rarely given.
For help, for love, for them to hear you, you to hear them.

To go back to the time when life was perfect forever,
But now a living, one no one ever wants, why do we pretend?
A daily masquerade,  we are all children at heart.

For no matter how far we age, we all contemplate society inside
Finding things we think about, but not laughing, we choose to hide.
Because all of us choose to eventually mask, the child that hides inside.